I'm sitting on my couch with the french doors open, getting some much needed fresh air. The dogs are both laying by the pool in the sun, smiling. Like I told Ivita today “I'm doing everything in my power to stay sane in what is temporarily an insane world.” I still believe the world is full of miracles — and I am definitely also sitting in the reality that there is a lot of anger and sadness in the world that needs healing at the moment, too.

The book I'm reading right now is Stillness is the Key by Ryan Holiday. In it, he tells stories about situations where successful and famous people (from JFK to professional athletes to Fred Rogers) slowed down in order to achieve great things. I'm finding the stories fascinating and inspiring. You might enjoy it, too. I bought it in print and I liked it so much I got it on Audible, too. However, I'm not a huge fan of his voice. So if you're thinking of getting it, first listen to the sample.

Speaking of stillness, yesterday I went on a silent walk with my husband (or as I refer to him Mr. Sexy). No we weren't fighting. Yes, we are together ALL the time so we talk, a lot. We were walking the dogs and I realized we both were silent. My instinct was to fill the silence, but instead I stayed in it for a little bit. Then I realized he was probably processing the rough news we got this week about someone we both love dearly.

Normally my husband listens to podcasts or audio books or he's looking at a screen reading something — so I think it was the first time that he had his OWN thoughts in his head rather than someone else's thoughts (since he got the news). Ouch right? After a bit he did say something and we discussed it a bit. But later I told him that I really enjoying our silent walk and would like to do it more. Silence of the mind can be a blessing.

The book “Stillness is the Key” keeps making me think about being the calm in the storm and one of my favorite quotes.

You can’t calm the storm, so stop trying.
What you can do is calm yourself. The storm will pass.
– Timber Hawkeye

Hugs and high fives.

Nicole

Picture this…

You're driving down the road in a car and you're headed towards an idea, a goal, or something awesome that you want.

Maybe you want to do a webinar, or write a book, or attend an event.

You're excited about it!

But then — you hear the voice of fear in your head and it can stop you in your tracks.

What if…

What if fear (that voice) was just an unruly, overly tired child sitting in the backseat? He (or she) is kicking and whining a little bit, trying to get your attention.

Maybe he's trying to manipulate you and he is definitely trying to get control of the situation. To do what HE wants.

But you know he's not in control.

You are.

So you tell him to simmer down and you keep driving.

What you don't do is pull over and give him the freaking keys to the car, right?

Don't give fear power over you. Over your success. Over your future. Over your happiness.

Trust me. I've done it enough for both of us. And I want more for both of us.

Fear is a good thing… if we're being chased by a bear. But when we're trying to get sh*t done, then we've got to realize we are not in harms way when we are following our dreams and we can (and should) proceed.

So the next time that little stinker in the back seat tries to take control, remember where you're headed and why. And who is in control.

Take a deep breath and keep driving.

You're worth it.

Stay tuned for more awesome stuff.

Hugs and high fives,

Nicole Dean

PS. Talk to me. What do you want to accomplish and what's holding you back?

Is picturing your fears as a child helping you to ignore them? Or what do you do when fear stops you?

I shared the WHY I do what I do behind my successful contests (specifically my most recent affiliate contest) and gave important points on where to follow what I do and when not to.

I've talked a lot about the benefits of going to live events like this one, but I don't know if I've ever shared specifics. All I can tell you is that I come back a different / better version of myself after each one.

Sidenote: Ladies, do consider coming to Beach Cruise, Beach Camp, or Beach House this spring. <3

So HOW am I different in general?

• Sometimes I learn a new marketing trick that I can instantly implement.
• Sometimes I learn a business shortcut or strategy.
• Sometimes I discover a speaking strategy from watching the speakers connect and impact the audience and I soak that up.
• Sometimes I have an adventure inside or outside of the event that opens my eyes or just brings me joy and makes me thankful to be alive.
• Sometimes I learn how to be a healthier, happier, more impactful human being on this earth.
• Heck, on a few trips, I discovered brilliant nuggets and met amazing people at the airport.

So after unpacking (both literally and figuratively), here are just a few ways this event changed me.

1. My Heart Grew Two Sizes that Day.

I have known Kelly McCausey since 2004 when her community crowned me “Work at Home Mom of the Year”. Yes, I actually got a tiara.

I wanted to get closer to her, but I was afraid to join her community at that time, because we were in direct competition. I thought she'd think I was in there to rip her off.

I learned instantly that Kelly saw us as two women who both wanted to make an impact and she KNEW that we could make a bigger impact and change the world together so much better than we could apart (or with me hiding).

She's drawn me out of my shell in a million ways since then, as my first mentor and now as one of my best friends on earth. And she is my business partner and we make magic together at Beachpreneurs.

AND she continues to love on me and inspire me in new and surprising ways all the time. And yes, I'm tearing up a little. She's just that special to me.

Kelly had decided to participate in St. Baldricks, which is an organization that raises money to fund childhood cancer research. You take a stand and raise funds and then shave your head on a certain date. She had done it one time before so I was happy to see her do it again. (Click the link and donate!)

What I did NOT track at the time was that she was going to shave her head AT HER OWN EVENT!!! My ego could not even process that.

So, as the time drew near, I started to get nervous for her on her behalf. I knew she was fine, but I was being challenged by her strength and bravery to face my own stuff.

When it was time, she turned to me and said “Will you do it, please?”

I literally about lost it. I said “yes”, of course and then started thinking of how to do this in the most gentle way possible.

But because this isn't about me. It's about Kelly and the kids, I will just show you my friend being brave and being impactful and being incredibly FREAKING awesome.

And sure enough, he said that if we could double the amount donated, he would also participate.

And we did. And he did.

2. Awareness of My Own Impact.

A few years back,  I went to Radical Leadership (as have most of my closest friends) at the invitation of my smart, joy-filled, beautiful friend, Therese Sparkins (formerly known as Therese Sparby).

It is the gift that keeps on giving. I soaked it all up back then, as the person I was. And, I still keep growing from it today as I evolve, which never ceases to amaze me.

One of the things that Therese taught me at RL is about having an awareness of my impact and asking myself “Is this the impact that I want to be having in this moment?”

And then determining without judgement either “yes” or “no”. It's not an opportunity to shame myself, but rather a moment of saying “if not, why not, and what do I want to do about it?”

There were two instances this weekend where my answer was “Nope”. So I pivoted. And I was so glad that I did.

And yes, I'll share them both. <3

After the head shaving, Kelly planned a wig party. I brought three wigs (in case anyone needed one).

I went to put mine on, and struggled, and then Therese put hers on and she was radiant… just radiant. She helped me put mine on and I felt … not.

So my first instinct was to just say “screw it” and take it off and go downstairs.

And, I stopped. “Nik, is that the impact you really want to have in this moment in time?”

Sigh…

“Nope.”

So I swallowed my ego and shifted. I put some powder on, pivoted my attitude to one of gratitude and fun, and slapped on some lipstick and headed downstairs with Therese.

And this happened.

And this, too!

And this!

After the wig party we headed upstairs to the conference room where the all awesome Maruxa Murphy was going to play DJ to a dance party.

And this was the second impact check.

I didn't dance. I don't know why I didn't dance. I didn't feel cute or confident. I thought I would just watch and enjoy my friends.

After awhile, I just felt myself sitting there and I thought “Is this really how I want to remember tonight? Is this the impact I want to be having for myself and for others?”

And, I said to myself “nope”.

Right at that moment, one of the attendees grabbed a beach ball off the Beachpreneurs table and started an impromptu game of volleyball in the conference room.

I joined in.

And I had FUN. Genuine JOY. Total elation.

Here I am playing with the brilliant Jena Rodriguez (in our wigs).

My knees are still a bit bruised from diving for the ball on a concrete floor, but they make me smile. #allinbaby

I could have continued to sit. Worried about my stupid shirt that kept flying up and whether I looked flabby. Or a number of other insecurities. And that would have been fine. The night would have gone on.

But I didn't. And I'm glad.

3. Knowing What I Want and Not Disappointing Myself.

If you've been here for half a second, you know that my favorites things are adventure and fresh air. (Sushi is up there, but if I had to lose one, I'd be saying “sayonara sushi”.)

I knew I wanted an adventure on this trip. I love Kelly's events, but she and I have talked a lot about this and she knows that I crave doing something fun and memorable outside of the hotel when I'm visiting a city.

She graciously asks for a 66% attendance from speakers and 100% heart and focus during those times we are in attendance. That's totally fair. When I'm there, I'm there in heart and soul as if it were my own event. In fact, some attendees think we partner on EP.

The weather looked stinky on the forecast, so I was looking at things to do inside.

I started to feel like it just wasn't going to happen, and I was getting sad. I looked at the conference schedule and couldn't see a time where I could sneak out with a few people without negatively impacting the event in some way.

I was starting to tell myself “You are an introvert. You aren't the party planner! What are you even trying to do here?”

I knew it was BS. But that didn't matter.

I was just about to give up when I decided that wasn't an option. Yes, I could go home without an adventure.

But as Jim Rohn says “regret weighs tons.” (The full quote, if you're curious, is “We must all suffer from one of two pains: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret. The difference is discipline weighs ounces while regret weighs tons.”)

Or also said by one of my favorite poets…

So I got a small group together to go to an Escape Room. And Kelly happily wiggled the schedule a bit so that it would work out without negatively impacting the speakers and their offers.

Easy peasy. Adventure planned.

I wasn't sure if I'd like it but I loved it so much.

And we escaped the room with 6 minutes to spare! Woo!

In addition to Paul and Therese (still wearing that wig! lol.), you may recognize Cindy Bidar, Rayven Monique, and Natalie Collins, too!

Go team!!!

The best part to me was watching my friends have fun. And the kids. Because kids. <3

4. Sitting in My Own Comfort Zone vs. Stepping Out.

So, it was time to go home. I was at the airport and my lower back started to hurt. This happens. It's been happening off and on since 2015. Nothing new.

I was wearing comfortable clothes, so I got on the floor on the side of the waiting area and I did some yoga.

Did I feel a bit silly? Yes. Did I get some weird looks? Yes.

But I knew Therese (my friend I mentioned before) wore her rainbow colored wig HOME through airport security and everything. She gives zero craps about what anyone thinks about things like that.

So, get over it, Dean.

Once again, I decided that I really didn't give a crap if I got weird looks. And I zoned out and enjoyed myself.

Because

1. yoga

2. I am a grown-ass woman who can do what I want without worrying about peer pressure.

3. why not?

So this happened.

5. The Power of Invitation.

The theme in all of this is that there is such power in putting out the invitation by being the authentic, loving version of YOU.

Kelly and Paul inspired me to play bigger and be braver.

Maruxa and the ladies dancing inspired me to get over myself.

Therese in all her rainbow glory and joy and true unconditional love inspired me to step into it, too.

My friends lighting up over the invite to the Escape Room invited me to be a leader.

Over and over again this weekend, I felt drawn by JOY and people just BEING who they are.

I felt inspired to share and see if I could do a little of the same.

I hope you've enjoyed this peek into my growth.

I would love to hear your thoughts about any / all of it. Seriously, I appreciate shares and I adore comments. Don't be shy.

With love,

Nicole Dean

PS. It's funny. People go to marketing and business events like Exposure and Profits or Beachpreneurs with the goal to learn marketing strategies and tactics.

That's great. But where I find real growth is usually elsewhere, as per the examples above.

Yes, I soak up delicious business goodness, but the BIGGER, more impactful growth that will move me past roadblocks is usually found elsewhere for me. So go in with the goal to just observe and be open to everything awesome. And report back what magic happens for you.

There was a story in there that impacted me and I wanted to share it with you.

The Fun Challenge.

In the book, there's a fictional story of a young man whose great-uncle (an inventor) passed away. The great-uncle had recently invented a fun-meter that you wear on your wrist, much like a Fitbit, only it measures fun instead of steps. The fun gets rated on a scale of 1-10.

A one meant you were “down in the dumps” and ten meant “happy as can be”.

Although the young man didn't know the wealthy uncle well, he was asked to come to the reading of the will. He was shocked to find out that he was awarded $100 million dollars … if he could pass a test.

The young man would have to wear the fun-meter every day for a year. The watch's data would be sent to the estate's office each day.

If, at the end of the year, the young man had reached a high of at least a 7 at some point every single day for the entire year, he would be awarded the $100 million dollars. If not, he got nothing.

I've told several friends this story and asked what they would do on their first day.

And to me “FUN” can be replaced with “JOY” or general happiness.

So what would bring you joy?

The results were very interesting.

One person, who I will not name, said “I would go bowling”. Now this person has the time and resources to go bowling and, in fact, there is a bowling alley only a few miles from our (uhhh… I mean HIS) house. This man has only bowled a handful of times since we were … I mean HE was married 23 years ago. So, WHY on earth isn't he going bowling? I mean, even stopping by for a game here and there after work? It doesn't have to be a big commitment or a big deal. He can just grab his smokin' hot wife and take her out bowling once in awhile.

Another friend of mine said said “I'd go fishing”. I asked “What's stopping you?” He said “Honestly, nothing!” I hope he goes fishing.

Now obviously we can't just have fun all of the time and ignore work. But really, for me a 7 on a joy scale would be jumping in the pool for a bit with my sexy husband, going on a bike ride, playing a game with my son, going to see my daughter in a show, or going to the park and swinging a bit.

Cheap. Easy. Quick. And, yes, I do all of those things, but I have not been mindful enough to make them a daily habit like brushing my teeth.

The Story of the “Poor” Fisherman.

It reminds me of the story of the executive and the fisherman. (I've googled and googled and can't find attribution so someone please help me to attribute this to the right person). I may ALSO be getting this story totally wrong, but here's how I remember it as I heard it years ago.

An executive sees a poor fisherman standing on the bank, fishing in the sunshine. The executive walks up to the fisherman and strikes up a conversation. He asks why the man is not working. The fisherman says that he is happy fishing and has all that he needs.

The executive tries to inspire the fisherman and says that if the fisherman works hard for many decades, he could be wealthy some day. The fisherman again says that he has all that he needs and is happy.

The executive says with pride “Well someday I will be wealthy.”

The fisherman asks “What will you do when you are wealthy?”

The executive stop and states with a little laugh “I will go fishing”.

The fisherman replies as they laugh together “You don't need to be wealthy to do that!”

My Challenge to You.

So on this beautiful day, going into the weekend, I challenge you to commit to doing something every day to reach a 7 in fun (or joy or happiness) that day. Make a plan to do so. It can be cheap, easy, and fast if you're short on time.

• Go blow bubbles with your kids.
• Bake some cookies.
• Sing show tunes in the car.
• Climb a tree.
• Go on a walk along the waterfront.
• Get an ice cream cone.
• Try something new.
• Surprise someone.
• Snuggle puppies, humans, kittens.
• Play. Laugh. Love. LIVE.

I appreciate shares and I adore comments! Please share your thoughts.

With much appreciation.

Warmly,
Nicole

If you'd like to read about that, you can find that right here

What BS Rules are Keeping You From the Best Experiences of Your Life?

(Please share if you like it!)

Today, I want to share something else fun with you. It's about another BS Rule that I discovered to be untrue.

I've always loved to read, but I had made up this rule that it took too much time to either read or listen to books. Hours that I didn't have (at least not without sacrificing something else – health/exercise, family time, business stuff). Sure I would sneak in audible books on car rides and read while waiting places, but I sure wasn't absorbing as much good stuff as I wanted to. And frankly audible books, while awesome, are SO long. (Call me Miss Patience.)

Well, I just discovered a way that I will be able to “read” 180 books before the end of the year (one per day) without adding any extra time, and I invite you to join me.

I've already consumed 6 books in the last 6 days.

Optimize with Brian Johnson has created “Philosopher's Notes” versions of over 600 books that you've been drooling over.

These are basically each a 20 minute summary of the key points in each book, along with a pdf that has the same notes.

And you can listen to tons of books for free right here.

What I love about them is that he ties in related themes from other books that he's done, which is giving me a growing list of authors and books I want to listen to over there, and proof that the concepts are true, because he's telling me about other authors who have proven the same thing. This reinforcement is really interesting.

My plan (and I invite you to join me) is to listen to at least one book each day WHILE doing something else that I'd already be doing.

And do this every day for the rest of the year.

I plan to listen to books while

• Cleaning the house
• Taking a shower or bath
• Doing yoga / stretching (Yes, I know part of the beauty of yoga is the silence. I like to listen to something smart sometimes, too.)
• Going on a walk
• Driving somewhere
• Lifting some weights at home
• Folding laundry

You get the picture.

Imagine how amazing you'd feel about yourself if you committed to doing this with me.

Like I said, I've already listened six books in six days. And it was easy.

• One while cleaning my office.
• One in the shower.
• One while taking a mental break from writing.
• One while driving.
• One while putting away laundry.
• One while sorting a junk drawer.

Leverage, my friends. Leverage. THIS is leverage.

Leverage your time. Leverage other people's work and smarts in a good way.

And watch your business grow.

Here's what I did and I invite you to join me.

Sign up here to listen to all of the books for free on this page.

1. I signed up for the coaching program option so I'd have a commitment for the rest of the year.

(You can see the coaching option here, but do sign up for the free books first. I just want to make sure you'll love it before you join.)  

2. I spent about 20 minutes going through the different categories of books and favoriting those that looked interesting to me. That way, each day, I can just go there and choose one to “read” without having to think too hard.

Update: This is NOT necessary. I'm learning about all kinds of books from the Notes themselves that I want to soak up. The pdfs have all kinds of recommendations to other books to listen to. All are included in the membership.

3. I started listening. You can mark the books as complete when you're done so you have a growing list of books that you have yet to listen to.

4. After listening to the book summary, each day, I open the accompanying pdf from the PREVIOUS day and skim it to make sure I understood everything fully and didn't zone out. This gives me a different modality of learning, as well, which I like. And it deepens the material as we know there's a “forgetting period” after we learn something if it isn't touched again.

If I see that a bunch of you are interested in this (based on who signs up), I may create a FB account or a blog post series or a daily “here's what I *read* today” or something fun.

I'm anticipating questions.

You may be thinking…

Q: “I listen to podcasts and they are free. How is this different?”

A: I think about all of the effort and research and smarts that goes into writing a book versus how anyone can pick up a mic and just start talking. About anything in their heads.

Me? I'd rather focus on getting the solid stuff. Sure, I listen to an occasional podcast. Books are where it's at for this girl. I consider listening to most podcasts to be a colossal waste of my time. So when I do listen, it's mostly for fun.

Q: Do you really get the whole experience of reading the book?

A: No, you do not get the whole experience of reading the entire book. You get the key points. With this, I'm getting a lot of new info, plus I feel like I'm being reminded of a lot of things that I have not been making a priority for myself. It's kind of how what you need shows up when you need it. I'm getting that feeling.

For me, the twenty minute summary is enough to provide me with three valuable options when I finish a book “note”:

1. I get what I need and am super thankful that I listened to the Notes. I apply what I've learned and move on. OR….
2. I decide it's not the right book for me (and am thankful that I didn't just take hours of my life to figure that out). OR…
3. I love the material but it was only a part of the story. I want more so I choose to buy the book (or go check out the authors' other books/follow them on social media/sign up for their lists, etc).

Q: Is this cheating the authors?

A: Actually because you do not get the whole experience of reading the book, it's very tempting to go and buy your favorites (or follow the authors on FB and Twitter – which you can do from inside your account or go find them on YouTube or sign up for their lists.) This is probably why some of the authors give Brian advanced copies of their books prior to publishing them…

Personally I am finding that there are a few books that I still do want to actually read after listening to the notes. And, if you look at the testimonials, many are from the authors themselves, so I believe this is a win-win-win. A win for Optimize, a win for the authors, and a win for us!

Here's the link again. Go get you your free book summaries! 

What are some other “rules' that we are following that are NOT serving us, I wonder?

Got questions, please comment. What are you currently reading that you love?

Stay tuned. We'll talk about some more.

With hugs and high fives,

Nicole Dean

PS. If you're curious, here are a few quotes from a few of the books I've listened to at Optimize the last few days. Good stuff.

From “Letters from a Stoic” (on Creating what's in your Heart for a Life of Purpose)

“Everything – a horse, a vine – is created for some duty… For what task, then, were you yourself created? A man’s true delight is to do the things he was made for.” – Marcus Aurelius

 

“Musicians must make music, artists must paint, poets must write if they are to be ultimately at peace with themselves. What human beings can be, they must be. They must be true to their own nature. This need we may call self-actualization… It refers to man’s desire for self-fulfillment, namely to the tendency for him to become actually in what he is potentially: to become everything one is capable of becoming.” – Maslow

On not giving up:

Picasso created nearly 100 masterpieces in his lifetime. But what most people don’t know is that he created a total of more than 50,000 works of art.

“Your morning sets the stage for the rest of your day. That doesn’t mean that you need to get up early: it does mean you should use your morning to do what’s most important to you.”
~ Benjamin Spall and Michael Xander from Morning Routine (see it on Optimize | see it on Amazon )

And, I soooo love. It gives me goosebumps.

Once you’ve mastered the code in this book, your biggest challenge will be dreaming bigger dreams! That’s right: Once you’ve tasted success and gained the confidence of making a dream come true, a funny things happens: You get addicted to making dreams come true. And as each dream gets a little bigger and a little scarier, you get stronger, smarter, and better at making them come true. And isn’t that what life is all about? Live your dreams!”

– Alden Mills from Be Unstoppable (see it on Optimize | see it on Amazon )

Self-Theories by Carol Dweck –

The hallmark of successful individuals is that they love learning, they seek challenges, they value effort, and they persist in the face of obstacles. – Carol Dweck

I'm working on this one…

“Remember that one of the guiding principles of wealth creation is not to worry. And remember,
too, that the best way not to worry is to have a project you are engaged in. Without a project, you
descend into worry. Your project becomes worrying. Your mind has to spin somewhere, and if
it can’t click and lock its gear’s teeth into a creative project it will look outward and worry about
other people and the world at large.”

~ Steve Chandler from Wealth Warrior (see it on Optimize | see it on Amazon )

As an introvert (and a “fresh air” kind of girl), I really had ZERO desire to go to NYC. But, I have a Broadway-loving daughter and I promised her we would go for her 16th birthday.

She's turning 17 in September so it was time to as we say either poop or get off the pot.

So I pooped. lol.

I fully intended to not like NYC. The noise, the crowds, the concrete.

And it was all because I had made up some BS rules about NYC and about ME that were not even a bit founded in truth.

I'd been doing some training by Vishen Lakhani from MindValley about what he calls Brules (his term for BS rules) and I'm working with Belanie Dishong from Live at Choice. So I'd been watching for these BS Rules to show up (so that I can SMITE them)  in all areas of my life. I had a feeling this “I won't like NYC” just might end up being another one of them.

So, not one to be a party pooper, I made the decision to go as if I loved it and embrace the adventure (even though I was secretly still dreading it a bit).

And, wouldn't you know it, but I FREAKING LOVED IT. Like I could easily live summers there.

I loved everything about Manhattan except for the obvious shortage of public restrooms. (If you've been, you know that there are times you will buy a banana or a Starbucks just to be able to use a restroom. But of course, buying a Starbucks just puts you in the same predicament an hour or two later. lol.)

• I loved the noise.
• I loved the energy and the people.
• I loved the food.
• I loved the shows.
• I loved the culture.
• I loved seeing iconic buildings.
• I loved the tall buildings. The 70 elevator ride up the Top of the Rock gave us a beautiful fresh air view of Central Park, the Empire State Building, the Statue of Liberty… so gorgeous.
• I loved watching my daughter and husband fall in love with New York City.
• I loved it all.

So the RULES that were in fact BS included….

• I am an introvert and introverts hate crowds.
• Cities are not for me. They are scary, dirty, yucky, and confusing.
• I will feel out of place in New York City.

I wanted to share my experience here, because of two reasons.

1. I could have let BS rules in my head ruin what was a life-changing trip.

2. I am curious about how many other BS rules I have running that are keeping me from magic.

3. I wanted to ask you to be curious, too!

I invite you to question the stories in your head. I sure am.

I'm very excited to see what other BS rules (ie chains, binds, and blockages) that I can blast out of existence.

And… I invite you to travel. Whether a small trip or a large one, I come back changed from every trip I take. I can't imagine if I had chosen not to go because of some crap I made up. It's heartbreaking to think of missing what I just experienced. Please. Don't Think. Just Go.

For instance, it is heartbreaking to think that I may have missed ALL of this… because of rules that I made up.

A quick recap of just a few of the things that I am thankful for having been able to experience….

Oh my goodness, the Statue of Liberty is beautiful!!! And.. #freshair #boathairdontcare

I never realized that she's walking. That touched me, deeply. I always had it in my head that she was standing still – but she is a woman ON a mission, heading to shore. #danggirl

Mastering the Subway … after a Few Snafus. #theyleftmebehind #adventure #lovemyfamily #theyfoundme

We spent a quiet few moments with Alexander and Eliza. #hamilton

Dinosaur butt. (Because I'm secretly still 10 years old.) And walking down to where they filmed Star Talk (my husband is a fan.)

I got to see amazing shows… 
Spongebob Squarepants the Musical with my favorite Bean #bestdayever

Watching my sweet girl meet awesome hard-working actors from the shows she's dreamed of seeing.

And a surprise date with my hubby to see “Escape to Margaritaville” that was quite magical, as well. I am so glad we got to see it as it was the last few days it was on Broadway. Apparently Jimmy Buffett was there a few days prior to see his show one last time. #whatwouldjimmybuffettdo

Let's Chat!

Have you faced a situation like this where you discovered your assumptions were totally false and holding you back? I would love to hear all about it.

Or maybe you want to tell me about your favorite things to do in New York City for my next trip?

As always, if you liked this post, I so appreciate shares and I adore comments! <3

I'll be back with all kinds of goodness soon.

Hugs and high fives,

Nicole Dean

PS. If you've been holding back on going to events because of some BS rules like “they won't like me” or “it'll be a pitch fest” or “I can't travel alone” then I invite you to the following events where the people are warm and the learning is smart.

If you are looking for a fun adventure, this is my upcoming agenda…

August 2018… Exposure and Profit (Atlanta, Georgia)

Learn More here: http://www.exposureandprofit.com/nicoledean

I'm speaking about Community Building with Affiliates.

January 2019… Ladies Only Beach Cruise (Port Canaveral, Florida to Bahamas)

Learn More here: http://cruise.beachpreneurs.com/

If you've always thought cruising would be fun, but you've made up excuses not to go, it's time to throw those BS Rules out the door!

March 2019… Ladies Only Beach House Mastermind (Pensacola Beach, Florida)

Learn More here: http://www.beachpreneurs.com/

April 2019… Ladies Only Beach Camp (Daytona Beach, Florida)

Learn More here: http://invite.beachpreneurs.com/

It's guaranteed to be fun and smart and general awesomeness – and you will come back a slightly different person. I always do. I hope to see you there!

If you've been with me awhile, you know I try to keep it light and bright and fun here. I always try to make you smile when I write these notes and when I write my emails.

There's a reason for that.

I'm honestly not sure where this is going to head today, but I feel like I need to share. So I'll plop this out there and then let you decide.

Over the years, I've shared about how I've struggled with anxiety for many years. In fact, in 6th grade, I went to the doctors where they said that my stress levels were causing me to start to get ulcers. Yeah. Sixth grade.

Pretty much after that and into high school, as the overachiever that I am, it developed into major depression along with anxiety.

It got progressively worse until in January of 1992, when I was hospitalized to protect myself. I had decided to die by suicide. My dad was very confused by my change of attitude. I had become nearly giddy after weeks of sadness (which is apparently a common sign to look for). But first, I promised my dad that I would go with him to a counsellor's appointment, so we went. The counsellor spotted that I was in the final stages, despite my outward appearance. I was sent to the hospital.

I got a nice 21 day stint in the hospital, including all of the fun bits, like losing my shoelaces (because I could try to hang myself with them) and lots more. I got to do Occupational Therapy – making sun catchers and arts and crafts. I had private and group therapy. And, of course the meds. All the meds. The worst part was I did not get much fresh air. I love fresh air.

In the 26 years since then, mostly around the holidays and winter, it comes back with a vengeance. (This is why oftentimes you can go weeks without hearing from me during those times.) Yes, I discovered much of the depression is / was medical. Thyroid, vitamin D deficiencies, etc. (Always get those things checked if you have depression.) But even as those are regulated, the darkness remains – on a lesser scale, but it's still there.

I honestly have not looked at the news about Kate and Anthony. I am still personally reeling from Owen Wilson's suicide attempt in 2007 and the loss of Robin Williams in 2014. And, I know that reading the details is not a healthy thing for someone like me. With a past like I've had.

Each a brilliant, sensitive, creative entrepreneur, JUST LIKE US.

This is NOT a club we want to join!

I know the stats. And they are ugly.

Each year 44,965 Americans die by suicide. 

Again, I don't know where this is going, but I do know through friends and family members how horrible it is to find someone they love gone, by their own hand.

In most cases, they had NO clue that it was coming. They were blindsided and shackled with that memory of finding their loved one and the confusion and guilt that accompanies it —  for the rest of their lives.

That's part of the problem. It's NOT being talked about. When I was at my darkest, I honestly though that I was doing the right thing and that the world would be a better place WITHOUT me in it.

Over the years, I've talked with dearest friends who I know suffer from depression. And, I've also talked with my husband and my kids, too.

I've explained to them the impact that it would have on me if they were to die by suicide. One friend, I spoke with after he was hospitalized, said that he had never thought about the impact on his friends and family. He said he would never put me through that. I hope he keeps his word. Because I love him. And he makes my world a better place.

I reminded them each that I am always here, always, to talk to if those thoughts come.

I opened the door for them to come to me, without fear of judgement, and they know that they will ONLY get love and help.

One thing you know about me is how much I love to travel. I talk about it all the time.

Do you want to know a dirty secret of mine? Only my closest friends have known until now.

I keep planning out trips, and adventures (even little ones), on my calendar so that I have something to look forward to.

Because I know that on my darkest days, I NEED to have something to look forward to.

No, I don't believe that I would or could, at this point, hurt myself, for many reasons, but mainly because I know the impact that it would have on my children and my husband. We've talked about it.

The doubt, confusion, pain, guilt, and a lifetime of terror and nightmares. I could not hand that to them.

But …I do not know the future. If I do have thoughts, I know that I can re-focus on the good things I have coming, when I have things to look forward to.

It's just a trick I play on my own mind.

It's obviously not as simple as that. I wish! I just wanted to share and that's where that headed.

I do one other thing. When I get very very low, I go through pictures of my life from when I was 18 years old until today. And, I think “I almost missed ALL of this because of one moment. One decision.”

I look at pictures of my kids, my husband, my friends, and the silly things we have done together.

And, I cry. And I cry. And I cry. The kind of big ugly cry that needed to get out with lots of snot.

And then I sit in gratitude. Because I didn't miss it.

So, that's probably more than you ever wanted to know about me.

And if half of my lists unsubs now that you know all of this, it's ok, as long as one or two of you are nodding your heads and feeling a bit more understood and loved today.

If you're appalled that 123 people in the US die each day by suicide, here are some ways to help. If you need help yourself or for a loved one, check the PS for resources. I will add more if you comment with the ones you love.

I'll be back with all kinds of goodness soon.

Big hugs,

Nicole Dean

I also like: https://afsp.org/find-support/ and https://save.org/

Suicide crisis lines by country:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines

–> Remember, these posts are better with your involvement, so please share your thoughts in the comments.

Every year, I share my latest method for making sure that summer is productive for me and for my kids. The kids are home. I have to get some work done, although I typically only work an hour or two each day during the summer. Still I don't want to be constantly interrupted or feel like the house is falling apart while I'm on the computer, right? That's not exactly a great boost to your creativity or productivity.

My kiddos are now 13 (daughter) and 18 (son), so things have sure changed in the many years that I've been sharing our summer plans, but this is the general system that we’ve been using since they were each toddlers. Why? Because it’s the closest thing to sanity that I can come up with here.

We have a daily checklist that the kids must complete before the TV goes on, the computer goes on, phones come out, or any game systems get turned on. They also must complete their daily list before friends are allowed in the house. I found that, if I left the time limit open, that the lists wouldn’t get done. However, if they know they can work through their tasks faster and be free of my tyranny – they work through it better. Of course, it is flexible if we make fun plans or if they have some sort of camp or we're traveling. This is just the day to day schedule.

Here’s their list that I posted four years ago when the kiddos were 9 and 14. It’s changed quite a bit since then as you'll see in a bit as they've gotten older. You can click on it to view it in pdf format.

I printed it out weekly and they just checked off the days as they went through them. If everything got done during the week, they earned bonuses.

For instance, my son has a Gamefly account. He keeps it as long as the backyard is cleaned up daily. If there is an issue, he gets downgraded from 2 games/month to 1 and then to zero. It really never becomes an issue. He’s really very self-motivated when he knows the rules. My daughter on the other hand… is a bit more stubborn.

Why were these systems so important to me when the kids were younger?

1. The kids knew what the expectations were in advance. They were better equipped to succeed and we were less likely to fight.
2. My husband and I were on the same page, because the rules were in black and white. (Again, less of a chance for misunderstandings.)
3. I didn't spend the days chasing the kids around saying “Did you brush your teeth?” or “Have you cleaned up the backyard?” I looked at their chart and it was right there in front of me.
4. It taught the kids that habits are important. And, that a family works on routine. And that running a home is a group effort. All good stuff.

So how has this changed over the years?

1. Now that the kids are older they have better habits. They brush their teeth on their own now and don't need to be reminded.
2. I want them to be their most awesome selves and I know that the days are long but the summer is short so if we don't plan and set goals at the beginning of summer, then we'll blink and have wasted an amazing opportunity to get more awesome.
3. My daughter will be going into Algebra in 8th grade and will be in a lot of honors classes. My son is going into the honors program in college. I want to do as much as I can this summer to help them to grow in a variety of ways to learn new skills and to sharpen their existing ones so that when life gets crazy again in the fall, they'll hopefully be a bit ahead of the game and won't have to be as stressed.
4. I still need to work a little bit during summer — even with a houseful of kids and friends over.

Here's what I've come up with…

The daily lists for the kiddos are now more about their own personal growth and their responsibility to the family this summer. As I said, they're old enough to remember to take their vitamins and brush their teeth. But I do want to help encourage them to become their best selves.

On that note, here's what I've come up with.

• 13 Year Old Daughter's Summer List (pdf)
• 18 Year Old Son's Summer List (pdf)

As you can see, my daughter is going to be working on her Algebra a bit this summer on Khan Academy while my son will be refreshing his calculus (since he's majoring in Physics, and he is expected to have his skills polished going into the fall). He also will be going through codecademy.com as he wants to learn to code and do some work for me.

My daughter is also taking a few classes through Florida Virtual School. She's taking Guitar and hopefully PhyEd, too. She wants to take  their photography course, too, but that might have to wait until next summer.

One last tip for battling the crazy. 

I've also added a sheet of House and Pool Rules to the front door so that all neighbor kids and friends know the rules without me having to go over them or deal with messes after the fact. Less stress for me, less misunderstandings, and I get to relax and enjoy the kids more.

• Dean Summer Rules (pdf)

Is it perfect?

By no means. But it does help me to get on the computer, do my work and more importantly get OFF the computer. It also helps me to have less stress, the house to be quieter and happier overall, and for me to feel like a better mom than I would if I was running around after everyone all summer.

I hope this gives you some ideas to make your summer run smoother too.

Warmly,
Nicole Dean

PS. What books would you recommend all teens read for personal success and growth? Help me add to our list:

• 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens

PS again.  Another way to survive summer when you're not able to work as much as you'd like is to use PLR to help you to get your content written easier. Too subtle? lol. Click here for some that's running low and on sale.

My mom, Patti Winker, told me about this awesome blog post..

Read it! -> Resolution Revolution. 

I liked the blog post so much that I usually assign homework based upon the idea to all of my coaching clients.

What is it exactly?

In this article, the author, Christine Kane, states that New Year's Resolutions don't work (which is completely true). Most people make BIG resolutions, can't keep them, and then abandon their resolutions within weeks.

I personally feel that failed resolutions can make us feel like our goals are NOT achievable, and it also is bad for self-esteem when we go to try to achieve them the next time, causing us to think  “Why bother. I didn't succeed last year. I  might as well quit again.”

Christine instead suggests that you should choose a single word that will be your motivation or mantra for the entire year.

Three years ago, I found the exercise to be very telling. I narrowed mine down to three words. And, the three worked together nicely, actually.

In fact, there were times of sadness in 2012 after the adoption fell through, when one of my words really got me through it.

Now, before you go LOOKING for your word, I want to stop you for a second.

Instead of making it a mission to find a word, I'd ask that you read through Christine's blog post and see which words choose you.

Yes, I said that right. Which word chooses YOU.

In my experience, the right one(s) will jump out of the screen at you. For instance, the ones that pick my mom are totally different than the ones that pick me.

What word will choose you? I believe the one that you need RIGHT now will stand out to you. In fact, my word in 2013 (RELEASE) stuck with me – even though I kept trying to pick a “cooler” word. But, no. Every time I thought about this one word, I felt something. So my word must be exactly what I needed that year, because I even dreamed about it.

I always print off my word (or words) in HUGE font and hung them on my wall. I will do so again this year.

So, for right now, here's what to do.

1. Please go read the blog post and let your word jump out at you.

2. Post your ONE to THREE words below in the comments. (No more.)

Now these words are NOT goals like “build list” or “lose weight” or “be an author” – but a word that will be your mantra for YOU all year long.

Looking forward to making 2015 your BEST YEAR EVER!

With love,
N

PS.  If you're wondering…  my word for 2014 was:

And, my words for 2015 are Effortless & Delight.

This week I asked our panel of experts…

“We all at some point have to deal with a time sucker in our industry. It may be someone who we started a friendship with who wants more time or information than we can realistically give, a family member, or it may just be a friend who you've outgrown.

How do you value your time, set boundaries, and still be the best YOU possible?”

I think you'll find the responses interesting.

Lou Bortone of Video in a Day says:

This was always a really tough one for me, because – like most of us – I love helping people and I hate saying “no”.

However, I've learned that “access” to me is my most valuable asset – and now when someone asks “Can I pick your brain?” I say, “Sure, I charge $300 per hour, how much time do you need?” I can also refer them to my online scheduler, where they can purchase a quick consult.

Terry Dean of My Marketing Coach says:

I honestly don't have to deal with this problem much anymore. But I had it BAD years ago. I wasted hours every day in unpaid conversations by email and phone with people who never even became customers.

The disease I had was “Nice Guy Syndrome.”

One of the subtle symptoms is a feeling of responsibility to answer every email and every phone call that comes in personally. It meant I invested myself in thousands of people…many of which had never even purchased anything from me.

I thought all this free advice would really help people, but the reality was I simply didn't understand human nature.

Rarely do we value what's given for free. For example, have you ever tried to give business advice to a friend of family member?

Sure, you may have that rare gem who takes what you share with them and runs with it, but much more common is the nodding head where they then walk away and do what they wanted to anyway.

I had it so bad back then that's one of the reasons I had to take a break from the Internet completely for 18 months.

But I haven't had to deal with this issue much in years.

And it's because that experience was so miserable for me that I figured out what I had to do to escape the possibility of this ever happening again.

The first thing you have to do is value your own time. Just by setting up an hourly consulting rate or an organized coaching program, you've solved half the battle. Because now you can point to your consulting or coaching whenever anything veers into that territory. Once you value your own time, others will start valuing it as well.

On the rare occasion a business friend or client goes a little too far… you can and should set clear boundaries. This is important! Make sure to set the boundaries BEFORE you're aggravated by it. Don't respond in anger and frustration. Once that's likely to occur, you've waited too long.

Instead, it's good to remind people of how you operate. For example, with new clients I always tell them how and when I will respond. If I'm on vacation or something changes, I let them all know in advance how my schedule is changing.

I do the same with joint venture partners and business friends. They know when they can expect a response from me and when they can't.

A lot of this comes back to knowing what you want your Lifestyle to look like. If you're not clear on this yourself, how can you explain it to anyone else?

Kevin Riley of  Blogpreneur Training says:

Fortunately, I don't have any offline friends who are time suckers. My best friend, outside my wife Rieko, is my old buddy from my house-building days, Toriu. We get together about 3-4 times a year. The rest of the time, we are rarely in contact. That's normal here.

However, online, I could easily be time sucked by a few things: The rare customer who fires off question after question, Facebook, and YouTube.

By setting aside a short (10-15 minute) window of time in my mornings to answer e-mails, I don't allow any customer to suck my time, yet they receive an answer to their query (making for happy customers).

As for Facebook and YouTube, I don't always win the battle – allowing myself to lose time to fun. But then, that's why I do what I do – so I can have fun.

Rachel Rofe of How To Get Never Have a Bad Day Again says:

As a recovering people pleaser, I can see why this is such a great question to ask.

And that being said, I think a lot of people in the personal development world can be quick to say they've “outgrown” someone, or that they're “further ahead” than people they once loved.

I don't know if that's always the truth.

With that said, I'm going to answer this question from the perspective of someone who's considering leaving a friendship that was once fulfilling.

So… my answer:

From experience, I've found that unless someone is mentally unstable, having an honest conversation (coupled with diplomacy, grace, and humility) is the best policy.

I like to think that people are smarter/more emotionally available/willing to grow WAY more than most of us give them credit for – especially when we're in a space of being annoyed with them.

So I'd look at having a conversation with my friend. It starts with however I'm feeling, and might sound something like:

“There's been something I've been wanting to share with you. I've been holding it back out of fear that I'll upset you, when really, I just want us to be able to understand each other better. Would you be OK with you if I share some messy thoughts?”

After you get their buy-in, share that you know where they're coming from. I might say something like: “I know that you're in a place with your business where you're really wanting to grow. I admire your focus and excitement for getting things done, and you're making real strides forward. It's awesome to see.”

Then where I'm coming from: “And from my perspective, while I love your business enthusiasm, I'm feeling like you want more information than I feel good about giving. I find that we talk about business more than I desire and I leave feeling drained.”

Then ask to come to a solution together: “I would love to find a way where we can both feel really good about this friendship. Can we talk about what that might look like?”

In most cases, if you are completely honest, share both perspectives, and look to find a solution TOGETHER — you'd be absolutely amazed at what can happen. You may end up deciding that the friendship has worn its course, or you may find that you have a newfound container for a more fulfilling friendship where you both feel even closer.

The main thing is to give BOTH people the opportunity to have a voice instead of just writing them off.

Of course, if this is with someone you were never really that close with in the first place, a simple “I've scheduled time to work on some things that are really important to me and unfortunately don't have free time to chat” also works.

Kelly McCausey of Solo Smarts Podcast says:

I've a friend I've seen potential in for ages. Over the years I've invested a lot of energy into encouraging, equipping and pushing her into action. When I'm not actively motivating her, she drifts off into the demands of every day life.

Last year I finally admitted that I wanted it far more than she did. I had to let go.

I love her so much, I didn't want to lose our friendship. I went to her and apologized for pushing. I promised to leave it alone and just enjoy our personal friendship from now on. It was important to me that she know I don't need her to be entrepreneurial to be my friend.

This is an area of issue for me in a lot of relationships. I often want someone else's success more than they do. I'm working on it!

Tiffany Dow of Work Life Balance says:

I've had to do this a lot lately. This is the first time I've put strict boundaries on my time and space. I've gotten to where I'm just blunt or more apologetic about doing what's in my best interest.

I grew up a people pleaser. Never wanted to come across as “rude.” But it's not rude to get your work done before chit chatting with a friend. That was all in my head.

I have found it very freeing to tell people honestly, “I have to focus on work, so I won't be able to visit much until (whatever time).” Nothing at all rude about that.

And truth be told, if someone didn't respect my boundaries, I wouldn't feel very valued by them.

Shannon Cherry of Learn How I Get *Paid* to Attend Events says:

Of course, this happens to everyone. ​ And sometimes the lines blur so much that you have difficulties seeing the issue until you realize how bad it really is.

That recently happened to me and it got to the boiling point. A friend, was consistently asking business questions, which at first I didn't mind answering. But soon, I was realizing that any advice I gave her was disregarded. (She was a ‘bright-shiny-object' type who jumped from idea to idea.) I was getting annoyed to say the least. It was time for ‘the talk'. Essentially, I shared my concerns and more importantly how I felt. It cleared the air and we have remained friends who only focus our chat about your lived, not business.

Although that one has a happy ending, not all do. I find this especially true when it comes to social media ‘friends' (those who only know you online). Of course, it starts innocently – a quick question about something, but soon you might find yourself coaching or consulting (something you get paid for). Here's what I've done to help stop this:

1. I make rules for myself and keep them. For me, it's answering one question and that's it.

2. I've created canned responses so I don't have to fumble for words when feeling awkward. For example, on reply is this: “I appreciate your trust in my advice, and I value our relationship. I want you to know that what you are asking is something I get paid to do. It's how I make my living. And because you know how limited availability is, I need to focus on paying clients with my time. However, here are a couple of blog posts that may help…”

3. If all else fails, ‘Bless and Release', meaning wish them the best and ignore them, block them or whatever you have to do so they don't suck your time.”

Nicole Dean of .. here! .. says:

I'm so glad my smart friends sent in so much great insight for this post.  I know that I, along with my coaching clients, have struggled at times with this issue over the years.

Like most, I'm much better at telling others how to regain control over their time than I am sometimes in owning my own.

But truly the thing that I end up saying oftentimes when I'm talking with them is “YOU ARE NOT A VICTIM HERE! So QUIT IT!!!”

Don't pull the “Nobody respects my time” line, if you haven't set the rules first. Otherwise, it's not their fault. It's yours.

Draw the line in the sand and have options for people who want more of you. Options that you are comfortable with.

Granted, I failed majorly at this initially. I'd be resentful of people who were “using me” until I realize that it was my fault!

1. They didn't know any better because I hadn't told them, and

2. they didn't have a legitimate option for paying me for my time. DUH.

Once I realized that I was putting THEM into a pickle, I kicked my “woe is me” mentality to the curb and I took control of my time.

What did I do to fix it?

1. I created a coaching page.

2. I wrote and published my book.

Now, people who ask about making money online are referred to my book. And, people who want ME are referred to my coaching page. Easy peasy.

Granted, I still do find myself slipping at times, and I have to put up barriers in those instances.

I think the thing that I finally figured out is that EVERY moment of EVERY day that I give to someone else is a moment that I'm taking from taking care of me, spending time with my kids and my Joe, or being with my family and friends.

Your time (as with your energy) is like a bank. And, the minutes go where they are allocated. Make sure you're INVESTING them wisely.

My favorite quote for over a decade has been “The days are long, but the years are short.”

I encourage you to think of that when you're giving your time to others. Because we blink and a year passes.

It's a lesson that's been one that's taken me a while to learn, so I hope this perspective helps.

Warmly,

Nicole Dean

Recommended Resource:

If you need an energy boost – check out Energy Jet Pack by my friend, Lain Ehmann.

PS. Remember, if you want me to keep getting awesome smart peeps to answer questions here, go check out their stuff.

• Lou Bortone – Video in a Day
• Terry Dean – My Marketing Coach
• Kevin Riley –  Blogpreneur Training
• Rachel Rofe – How To Get Never Have a Bad Day Again
• Kelly McCausey – Solo Smarts Podcast
• Tiffany Dow – Work Life Balance
• Shannon Cherry – Learn How I Get *Paid* to Attend Events